In this endless journey of self discovery, brain break, heart break , and healing … i confess that i give up..
I give up on being in control , because control is an illusion.. you can never control your life 100%, but this doesn’t mean i am giving in to life.. oh we are still struggling..
Waking up in the middle of the night, for no specific reason to find out i have left the oven knob open.. and in no time i would be dead… after breathing all the gas…
I stopped.. i literally stopped and considered this as a chance given from God.. he woke me up made me walk to the oven.. and check the knobs.. even me in my best OCD self do not do this so randomly..
I was torturing myself since the day i can ever remember.. being mean to myself for not being perfect.. like i ever knew What that meant in the first place !
I wanted to be the smartest kid ever, yet i was that smart kid… just A Smart Kid.. not THE KID!
People remembered my face and my name but somehow it never made me feel good … actually i hate it when someone comes close and say.. I remember you… it’s funny.. because all i want is to be remembered but yet it does not bring me joy when it happens.. and that is due to 2 things ( i reached this after too many days of watching movies and drinking midnight diet coke!) no matter who remembers me .. it does not matter because the only one who i want them to remember me .. forgot me. and the second reason is… I actually do not want to be remembered .. as funny as it sounds.. i might be as remembered as just another Jewish follower of Moses who got killed by the pharaoh;s soldiers or that farmer from Uganda who got eaten by a lion.. who gives a damn about me but only one … God.
I am cutting ties and letting loose.. cancelled my future goals plan.. i plan until dinner… that is enough for now.
I have given up the race of make more to feel worthy more.. i no longer care.. i really do not.. does it bother me though yes because my life is still complicated and i still need more money.. so here i am trying to simplify my needs to match my income instead of matching my income to my needs which end up closed up in a closet or flushed down a toilet or spent on someone who does not give a shit about me… really !
If this means de-cluttering my life from stuff… so be it.. even if it meant de-cluttering my life from people.. so be it.